Serendipitous Panda http://www.serendipitouspanda.com A fortunate happen-stance of hilarity Sat, 04 Feb 2017 11:19:36 +0000 en-GB hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.7.6 93011714 Leaving EU means leaving the Eurovision Song Contest http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/leaving-eu-means-leaving-eurovision-song-contest/ http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/leaving-eu-means-leaving-eurovision-song-contest/#respond Sat, 04 Feb 2017 10:22:51 +0000 http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/?p=6524 The UK Government has been very clear that leaving the EU via a “Hard Brexit” will have ramifications for other agreements that Britain is a part of, this includes the Common Market, Customs Union and more importantly the Eurovision Song Contest. Despite being on the other side of the world, Australia is now a part […]

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The UK Government has been very clear that leaving the EU via a “Hard Brexit” will have ramifications for other agreements that Britain is a part of, this includes the Common Market, Customs Union and more importantly the Eurovision Song Contest.

Despite being on the other side of the world, Australia is now a part of the Eurovision Song Contest and was welcomed with open arms. Many European nations have commented that Australia feels more European than the UK these days and is welcome to remain part of the exclusive club.

Gary Carey a Government Spokesman from the Ministry of Culture gave a statement following the announcement: “It’s not all bad news, we have setup a committee to establish a UK Song Contest. Gone are the Eurovision Song Contest days of political voting; with just the home nations taking part we will create the fairest possible competition for all of the UK.”

Bookmaker William Hill has already predicted that England will never receive a single vote and as such will not be running any bets on the event.

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Donald Trump practices writing his As http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/donald-trump-seen-practicing-writing/ http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/donald-trump-seen-practicing-writing/#respond Tue, 31 Jan 2017 15:15:54 +0000 http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/?p=6516 The White House Press Secretary has confirmed that every time Donald trump is seen signing an official document he is in fact practicing writing his As. It was revealed that Mr Trump mastered cursive last year and sees official documents as a great way to practice his hand writing. Given his new position as President […]

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The White House Press Secretary has confirmed that every time Donald trump is seen signing an official document he is in fact practicing writing his As. It was revealed that Mr Trump mastered cursive last year and sees official documents as a great way to practice his hand writing.

Given his new position as President of the United States Mr. Trump put in a concerted effort during his campaign to master joined up hand writing, it had been pointed out to him that it may be an asset in International diplomacy and will be required to amend the US Constitution.

Just prior to his inauguration he proved to his English Teacher that he could responsible enough to use a real pen which gave him much delight and according to a source in the White House: “A much needed ego boost.”

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Penne officially better than Fusilli http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/penne-officially-better-fusilli/ http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/penne-officially-better-fusilli/#respond Thu, 26 Jan 2017 10:55:13 +0000 http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/?p=6506 Pasta lovers everywhere can rejoice as Penne has finally been proved better than its rival Fusilli. At the Annual Pasta Convention in Rome, Italy, an international panel of judges and pasta experts unanimously agreed that there was no point in Fusilli and it has only survived this long because pretentious people keep serving it at […]

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Pasta lovers everywhere can rejoice as Penne has finally been proved better than its rival Fusilli. At the Annual Pasta Convention in Rome, Italy, an international panel of judges and pasta experts unanimously agreed that there was no point in Fusilli and it has only survived this long because pretentious people keep serving it at dinner parties.

Arrabiata lover Steve Dawes went on record to say “I just want to live on a planet where you go over to a friend’s house for a pasta and get Fusilli rather than Penne, we’re now one step closer to avoiding this type of tragic event.”

The news from the Spaghetti vs Tagliatelle debate was however inconclusive after it became heated, leading to a shootout which left six dead including the chief executive of Dolmio and three of his entourage.

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Ocean Research Vessel to be renamed Boaty McBoatface because “it’s the will of the people” http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/ocean-research-vessel-renamed-boaty-mcboatface-will-people/ http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/ocean-research-vessel-renamed-boaty-mcboatface-will-people/#respond Wed, 25 Jan 2017 10:21:34 +0000 http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/?p=6477 The Ocean Research Vessel, RRS Sir David Attenborough is to be re-named RRS Boaty McBoatface, a ship name which originally won the #NameOurShip online poll. After heated debate on both sides, Democracy and the will of the people has prevailed and the ship is now to be re-Christened the RRS Boaty McBoatface. She was originally […]

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The Ocean Research Vessel, RRS Sir David Attenborough is to be re-named RRS Boaty McBoatface, a ship name which originally won the #NameOurShip online poll. After heated debate on both sides, Democracy and the will of the people has prevailed and the ship is now to be re-Christened the RRS Boaty McBoatface.

She was originally launched as RRS Sir David Attenborough, a name deemed a far more appropriate for a serious scientific study by the Natural Environment Research Council. Most experts agree however that changing the ship’s name will lower the international standing of The Natural Environment Research Council, and actually make it likely to lose out on funding to other rival maritime research agencies. Despite these compelling arguments, it was seen as unfair to the voters not to make the change as they cast their votes in good faith.

Professor John Frost from Ocean Research gave a short statement on the ship’s re-Christening: “We really wanted to keep Sir David Attenborough’s name of the side of the vessel, he is such an inspiring and well-known figure as well as a champion for science and the environment. His name would have also given us great exposure for good within the media worldwide and scientific community as a whole, I’m sure Boaty McBoatface will also be quite good too.”

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Harambeism is now officially the fastest growing religion in the World http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/harambeism-now-officially-fastest-growing-religion-world/ http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/harambeism-now-officially-fastest-growing-religion-world/#respond Fri, 20 Jan 2017 08:26:37 +0000 http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/?p=6429 Harambeism is now officially the fastest growing religion in the World with 6 million followers and an expected 200 million more within the next 5 years. The new religion has grown rapidly over the past year and is based on the life and death of Harambe the gorilla who was controversially killed in Cincinnati zoo […]

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Harambeism is now officially the fastest growing religion in the World with 6 million followers and an expected 200 million more within the next 5 years. The new religion has grown rapidly over the past year and is based on the life and death of Harambe the gorilla who was controversially killed in Cincinnati zoo in 2016 while protecting a child. Websites such as http://www.harambeism.com/ have pushed the case and with strong public backing and celebrity endorsements, the religion has grown at an unprecedented rate.

Harambeist Zack May gave a statement on the new religion: “Harambe died for our sins. He came to us with peace in his heart yet was struck down; he lives on in all and his teachings and insight will continue on through the ages. We as Harambists must deliver his message to all primates big and small, young and old, and never forget that he is deep within all of us, protecting us, guiding us and inspiring us; I love him so much.”

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Emails will soon require a postage stamp http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/emails-will-soon-require-postage-stamp/ http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/emails-will-soon-require-postage-stamp/#respond Wed, 18 Jan 2017 10:24:30 +0000 http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/?p=6451 In a move seen as profiteering by many open web groups such as the W3C and the Open Web Foundation, all emails will soon require an electronic postage stamp in order to be sent. The stamps will be available worldwide and can be bought in packs of six from Post Office websites, once purchased they […]

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In a move seen as profiteering by many open web groups such as the W3C and the Open Web Foundation, all emails will soon require an electronic postage stamp in order to be sent. The stamps will be available worldwide and can be bought in packs of six from Post Office websites, once purchased they can be dragged and dropped onto the top right hand corner of an email and will stay in place using a virtual adhesive. First and second class stamps can be purchased and delivery times are expected to be one and two days respectively.

Many countries are planning festive E-stamps to coincide with national and religious holidays, and although the prices are still being finalised it is thought that the new scheme will net most Governments 10-40% of increased total revenue each year from their sales.

The new E-Stamps are also thought to be a first step in cutting out spam and unnecessary emails, however there is mild concern from consumer groups that it will now take at least a day for an email to reach its recipient rather than the current 1-2 seconds.

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Major cities pass law to ensure all Toyota Prius cars are operated by Uber http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/major-cities-pass-law-ensure-toyota-prius-cars-operated-uber/ http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/major-cities-pass-law-ensure-toyota-prius-cars-operated-uber/#respond Wed, 18 Jan 2017 08:49:16 +0000 http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/?p=6446 The US, UK and Canada have passed laws to ensure that all Toyota Prius cars driven in their cities are operated by Uber and can be used by Uber customers. The rising demand for Uber and the public perception that all Toyota Prius cars are Ubers has forced the cities to act quickly and pass […]

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The US, UK and Canada have passed laws to ensure that all Toyota Prius cars driven in their cities are operated by Uber and can be used by Uber customers. The rising demand for Uber and the public perception that all Toyota Prius cars are Ubers has forced the cities to act quickly and pass legislation.

Any Prius owner who does not register with Uber will face tough penalties and may have their car seized and auctioned off to legitimate Uber drivers if they refuse to sign up themselves.

One of the proponents of the new legislation who was caught out before the law was changed was Londoner Sandeep Singh: “I got in and asked are you my Uber? He replied with no mate, who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my car? I’m still shocked by the incident, what did he think he was doing, he was in a Toyota Prius and parked within 30 metres of where my pickup was supposed to be!”

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Keith Richards’ blood to be active ingredient in L’Oréal anti-aging serum http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/keith-richards-blood-active-ingredient-loreal-anti-aging-serum/ http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/keith-richards-blood-active-ingredient-loreal-anti-aging-serum/#respond Tue, 17 Jan 2017 12:09:37 +0000 http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/?p=6441 Keith Richards’ who’s guitar licks and imperviousness to the effects of death have made him a global phenomenon has teamed up with L’Oréal to create a brand new Anti-aging serum. The Anti-aging serum will be the first product in a line of cosmetics simply be called “Keith” and it is due to go on sale […]

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Keith Richards’ who’s guitar licks and imperviousness to the effects of death have made him a global phenomenon has teamed up with L’Oréal to create a brand new Anti-aging serum.

The Anti-aging serum will be the first product in a line of cosmetics simply be called “Keith” and it is due to go on sale to the general public in the coming months.

The secret to the new product will be Keith Richards’ blood, the rock star has already had a large quantity of blood extracted which will be used as the active ingredient. Clinical trials have proved that the specific concoction of drugs and alcohol found within his bloodstream are the reason for his prolonged life and when properly refined can be used within many areas of the cosmetics industry.

L’Oréal spokesman Sean Matthews commented on the new product: “The collaboration with Keith Richards puts us at the forefront of the beauty industry, we believe this product will be able to give our customers the same death cheating properties that have allowed Mr Richards to achieve such greatness in his life.”

In keeping with L’Oréal brand guidelines Mr Matthews signed off with: “Because he’s worth it”

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The Pacific Ocean to be renamed The Specific Ocean http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/pacific-ocean-renamed-specific-ocean/ http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/pacific-ocean-renamed-specific-ocean/#respond Tue, 17 Jan 2017 09:05:23 +0000 http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/?p=6433 The International Convention of Oceanographers recently met in Kyoto, Japan and voted strongly in favour for The Pacific Ocean to be renamed The Specific Ocean. After years of controversy, awkwardness and mispronunciations at dinner parties, it was decided that The Pacific Ocean should be renamed The Specific Ocean. All books, maps and Television shows are […]

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The International Convention of Oceanographers recently met in Kyoto, Japan and voted strongly in favour for The Pacific Ocean to be renamed The Specific Ocean. After years of controversy, awkwardness and mispronunciations at dinner parties, it was decided that The Pacific Ocean should be renamed The Specific Ocean. All books, maps and Television shows are to be retroactively amended, and The International Convention of Oceanographers have stated that within five years the word “Pacific” will be fully purged from history and cease to exist anywhere.

Dr Jisaburō Kurita Head of Oceanographic studies at Kyoto University was exceptionally happy with the decision and gave the following statement: “This is a wonderful step forward, no longer will people ask the question which causes eyes to roll across the globe, can you be more Pacific?”

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Matt Damon doesn’t want to be rescued and would rather just be left alone http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/matt-damon-doesnt-want-rescued-rather-just-left-alone/ http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/matt-damon-doesnt-want-rescued-rather-just-left-alone/#respond Mon, 16 Jan 2017 08:28:40 +0000 http://www.serendipitouspanda.com/?p=6425 Matt Damon has famously been rescued in movies such as Saving Private Ryan, Courage Under Fire, Interstellar, The Martian and Titan A.E. The Hollywood A-lister has stated to the media that he is sick of being rescued and next time he is left stranded somewhere to just leave him. It was recently worked out that […]

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Matt Damon has famously been rescued in movies such as Saving Private Ryan, Courage Under Fire, Interstellar, The Martian and Titan A.E. The Hollywood A-lister has stated to the media that he is sick of being rescued and next time he is left stranded somewhere to just leave him.

It was recently worked out that over $900 billion has been spent Bringing Matt Damon home and Damon himself has stated that even in the world of Hollywood that’s just too much.

Matt Damon went on record earlier this week on the issue: “I feel like everyone is putting a lot of time, money and effort into rescuing me and I certainly appreciate the sentiment, but I never asked to be saved, I’m not some charity case.”

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